Shackled in mediocrity

When you watch people around you doing great things with their lives it’s only natural to start resenting your patch of grass.  Not out of envy for the successes and direction of those around you, but out of disappointment in yourself for seeming to float in a constant state of mediocrity.   You wonder what it is that you don’t seem to understand, which memo you missed, and what you are supposed to be doing that you aren’t.

Life is a never ending challenge of bettering yourself and your circumstance.  When you’re a citizen of “the rat race to the top” society, you need to continuously scuffle your way through the never ending maze of ‘who are you?’, ‘where are you going?’, ‘what are you going to do after you get there?’, ‘how are you going to get there?’, ‘is that the best you can do?’, ‘is that where you’re supposed to be going?’... are you sure?.  Just the ‘planning’ process alone leaves you with a nauseating feeling of impending doom doesn’t it?

I’m 25 years old, which may be young according to a 45 year old, but according to the level of life achievements by which I rate myself, I’m running out of time.  In the race of personal success, i seem to be standing on the sidelines and not even sure which lane to take.  That’s the most disheartening part, that 25years later, i still haven’t put my finger on the elusive “calling” which everyone seems destined for.  Could it be that I’ll be the one who didn’t make it?  Will i be the one calling her friends and congratulating them on their successes only to be met with an awkward “i don’t know what to say about your greatness – or lack thereof” grin. 

I do ask myself all the questions in the maze, everyday.  Sometimes i even try not to think about it in hopes that if I ignore it, my destiny will miraculously come crashing down and land on my lap insisting that I do something about it.  It’s frightening to be paralyzed by your insecurities, knowing that you don’t quite measure up in your own eyes, but not even knowing what it is you need to measure up to.    

They say that when you are not quite comfortable with where you are in life and you know you can do better, its a good place to be, because its a sign that something better is to come.  I’m worried that if this is the case, i may just not be prepared when it arrives...

On Beyonce telling Bitches to Bow Down...

Anyone that knows me knows I’m a huge fan of King B.  Heck I’ve even confessed to “bowing down” to her awesomeness on a few occasions.  I love the woman.    I wasn’t always a Beyonce stan, she grew on me over the years and it isn’t necessarily her music that made me fall hopelessly in love with her, but it was more what she represented for woman.  That she can effortlessly garner global attention and still be kind and generous and fun and playful was the winning card for my romance with B.  I used to watch my friends go on about her and I sang along to her songs, but I wasn’t really that into her until she started being the Beyonce who empowered woman, the Beyonce who didn’t have to explain herself to anyone, the Beyonce who wasn’t scandal ridden, carried herself with grace but could still get the party started and shut it down!   I started paying more detailed attention to her; she inspired me beyond her music.  I fell hard in the last few months – critics were trying to bring her down with the star-spangled banner ‘scandal’ and still she rised, other haters went on about her pregnancy not being legitimate and still she rised.  With all this, what I loved best was how she stood firmly and gracefully, there was no bringing B down in my eyes and all who tried really looked ridiculous and petty... I was hopelessly, ridiculously devoted to B, not a day went by that I didn’t check in on her tumblr and raid the internet just to see what she was up to! I went through a serious ‘honeymoon phase’ with my King. 

Alas, like all hot romances, I unexpectedly came tumbling down from my state of ‘Bphoria’ when I heard her latest “Bow down bitches” offering - Click to Listen .  I got a feeling I couldn’t quite explain when I heard the song for the first time... I was disappointed, confused and annoyed.  Firstly the beat is noisy and really irritating, most importantly the lyrics are just plain tacky.  My heart was bruised for a while after hearing that song... I’m still not sure what exactly the idea is from a creative “she’s an artist expressing herself” perspective... and hearing that song made me less interested in hearing her next album, that I was so excited about.  I’m still a huge fan and will probably eventually forget this and move on, but I will never understand what compelled her to write and release such a song... for the first time in a long time I feel like an explanation of this song would come in handy, even from the King herself.

She got lost in the moment of her awesomeness and lost the plot a bit with this one; I actually cringed on her behalf after hearing this song... she really didn’t have to. 

Life... IT GOES ON

I am learning that this is undoubtedly the most important lesson that one must keep with them to survive this world.  Life is a rollercoaster.  Sometimes the ride is so exciting and the adrenaline rush of feeling good keeps you wanting to go out there and conquer all the fears, trials and tribulations you carry with you... then the ride changes, it goes too fast leaving you feeling sick and exhausted or it goes too slow, leaving you feeling anxious and left behind.  No matter what your attitude is to your life, the only thing that is certain is that it keeps going, it doesn't stop to give you a 'time out' or some breathing room.  You've got to go on with it, even at its darkest you've got to go with it, its the only way to survive.  Keep Going!

I will wait...

Hi friends,

I discovered this video through a dear buddy of mine and i am still in awe of the message that Janette shares.  For me personally it came at exactly the right time.  More and more i believe that God is always on time.  I hope you get the same revelation from this that I did and that you will be blessed with the patience to wait for Him...
xoxo

*Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.*

This has always been the template I used to measure my relationships… but the reality is that sometimes love does fail, sometimes you lose hope and cannot persevere, sometimes you lose all the trust that you had in someone.  Sometimes pride does get in the way.  I guess when it’s all said and done, no one really knows how it works.  I lost a great love recently and every day I miss him *even more so as I write this*.  My heart shrivels up and turns cold when I think of what’s become of us.  This is one of those that if I could take a pill to make the pain go away, I would overdose.  But with each new day, I accept that we were not suited for each other and I’ll be fine again.  I still have nothing but faith in patient, kind and everlasting love. One day it will all make sense, until then, I’ll attempt to smile through it.

MeMeMe

I’m learning a very valuable lesson.  You can love them all, respect them all, but always remember to maintain yourself as your #1 priority.  A friend of mine once said that putting yourself first is not selfish, it’s ok to make your happiness your first option.  I think I missed that class growing up, eish! This thing of always attending others’ classes!  Funny thing is I see it all around me, I see how people can put up a united front, but when the chips fall, no one wants to take a bullet for anyone else.  I am a working progress, and slowly acquainting myself with the ways of this reality.  The only way I can do this though is to ensure that I don’t harbour resentment towards anyone, and always find courage to forgive.  That’s how I put myself first, by remaining faithful to my hearts truth and looking past what I may perceive as wrong doing towards me and striving to not return anger or pain with the same serving but concentrate on what I want and need.  I do need to get more serious with my selfishness though, I suck at it, but I need to pull up my socks and get a little more self absorbed, in a nice way of course!  In the words of a woman whose passion and heart inspire me beyond words and who's selfishness has done wonders for her: “I’m learning to drown out the constant noise that is such an inseparable part of my life. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone, I only have to follow my heart and concentrate on what I want to say to the world.” Beyonce Knowles.

So this is to a me, myself and I approach to my life.  Less emotional and more motional about what I want and where I’m headed in this life, cause Lord knows I’m carrying precious cargo!

xoxo

Courage the cowardly dog

The silence has been killing me! When I started this blog I was determined to keep it updated on the regular.  I was excited that I'd finally started something I've been thinking about starting for as long as I remember! Then I lost grip of my enthusiasm... The "I'll do it tomorrow voice" that haunts all my grand plans whispered assuredly that it was ok to hold it off just one more day.  Sadly this voice of cowardice seems to be more sure of my plans than I am, it's confident in my inability to follow through on my dreams and it definitely gives me a run for my money when it comes to not reaching the finish line.  Let me just say, this is not a self bashing post, I don't believe in psychologically trashing myself to get things done, but I do strive to honestly acknowledge my shortcomings and let's just say, I'm somewhat of a "courage the cowardly dog" when it comes to what I want. I hardly ever stick to something long enough for it to work, whether it's diets or daily plans at work, my well thought out timetable somehow dwindles into the background after some time.


The twist - I find it so easy to assist others with following through with their goals and plans. Im that girl who'll skip my game to go cheer on a friend at theirs.  Theres a well known theory that psychologists are the most issue ridden people you'll find, yet they are happy to sit for hours counseling others through their baggage. I guess I avoid my fear of failure by concentrating on others? I don't know...


However! Being the optimist that I am, I am ever getting back up and trying again and again, and I will continue to do so until I get it right. Eventually I will get it right, until then, peace love happiness.


xoxo