I will wait...

Hi friends,

I discovered this video through a dear buddy of mine and i am still in awe of the message that Janette shares.  For me personally it came at exactly the right time.  More and more i believe that God is always on time.  I hope you get the same revelation from this that I did and that you will be blessed with the patience to wait for Him...
xoxo

*Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.*

This has always been the template I used to measure my relationships… but the reality is that sometimes love does fail, sometimes you lose hope and cannot persevere, sometimes you lose all the trust that you had in someone.  Sometimes pride does get in the way.  I guess when it’s all said and done, no one really knows how it works.  I lost a great love recently and every day I miss him *even more so as I write this*.  My heart shrivels up and turns cold when I think of what’s become of us.  This is one of those that if I could take a pill to make the pain go away, I would overdose.  But with each new day, I accept that we were not suited for each other and I’ll be fine again.  I still have nothing but faith in patient, kind and everlasting love. One day it will all make sense, until then, I’ll attempt to smile through it.

MeMeMe

I’m learning a very valuable lesson.  You can love them all, respect them all, but always remember to maintain yourself as your #1 priority.  A friend of mine once said that putting yourself first is not selfish, it’s ok to make your happiness your first option.  I think I missed that class growing up, eish! This thing of always attending others’ classes!  Funny thing is I see it all around me, I see how people can put up a united front, but when the chips fall, no one wants to take a bullet for anyone else.  I am a working progress, and slowly acquainting myself with the ways of this reality.  The only way I can do this though is to ensure that I don’t harbour resentment towards anyone, and always find courage to forgive.  That’s how I put myself first, by remaining faithful to my hearts truth and looking past what I may perceive as wrong doing towards me and striving to not return anger or pain with the same serving but concentrate on what I want and need.  I do need to get more serious with my selfishness though, I suck at it, but I need to pull up my socks and get a little more self absorbed, in a nice way of course!  In the words of a woman whose passion and heart inspire me beyond words and who's selfishness has done wonders for her: “I’m learning to drown out the constant noise that is such an inseparable part of my life. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone, I only have to follow my heart and concentrate on what I want to say to the world.” Beyonce Knowles.

So this is to a me, myself and I approach to my life.  Less emotional and more motional about what I want and where I’m headed in this life, cause Lord knows I’m carrying precious cargo!

xoxo

Courage the cowardly dog

The silence has been killing me! When I started this blog I was determined to keep it updated on the regular.  I was excited that I'd finally started something I've been thinking about starting for as long as I remember! Then I lost grip of my enthusiasm... The "I'll do it tomorrow voice" that haunts all my grand plans whispered assuredly that it was ok to hold it off just one more day.  Sadly this voice of cowardice seems to be more sure of my plans than I am, it's confident in my inability to follow through on my dreams and it definitely gives me a run for my money when it comes to not reaching the finish line.  Let me just say, this is not a self bashing post, I don't believe in psychologically trashing myself to get things done, but I do strive to honestly acknowledge my shortcomings and let's just say, I'm somewhat of a "courage the cowardly dog" when it comes to what I want. I hardly ever stick to something long enough for it to work, whether it's diets or daily plans at work, my well thought out timetable somehow dwindles into the background after some time.


The twist - I find it so easy to assist others with following through with their goals and plans. Im that girl who'll skip my game to go cheer on a friend at theirs.  Theres a well known theory that psychologists are the most issue ridden people you'll find, yet they are happy to sit for hours counseling others through their baggage. I guess I avoid my fear of failure by concentrating on others? I don't know...


However! Being the optimist that I am, I am ever getting back up and trying again and again, and I will continue to do so until I get it right. Eventually I will get it right, until then, peace love happiness.


xoxo

The Value of you

The value of you


A recent news article about a 23yr old south african caught in Thailand for trying to smuggle in drugs had me ruffled.  Not only because it was just the previous day that a South african had been executed for the same thing in china, but because this time around, I knew the girl... I know the girl very well. I've spent the last few days since hearing the news trying to figure out why Babsie would do something so careless? Could she really have been arrogant enough to think she would get away with such a serious crime? This is not walking into a shop and stealing lipgloss or underwear, this is applying for a passport, lying to your family, boarding a plane to a foreign country, getting your hair braided and stuffed with narcotics, boarding another plane to another country, and hoping to drop the drugs off and return home Scott free! This is stuff that blockbuster movies are made off! What made her think she would pull it off?


I also think about the payment that was made to her prior the trip - R20 000 - and the amount she was looking forward to on her return -R16 000. A lousy R36 000!! Is that what it came down to? Now when you're a young unemployed, bored twenty something, 36K seems like a lot of money, it is. But when you're a young twenty something stuck in a dark cell in Bangkok where you don't understand a thing and your life is pretty much chopped and screwed, R36K is just not worth the trouble.


This brings me back to the title of this blog - The value of you - have we lost our value as young women? Whether it be in friendships, relationships or personal endeavors, have we forgotten our worth? What I know is that love is when you put others needs before your own, but what good is such love if you are always crying and questioning? How are we to help others if we can't help ourselves? This reminds me of the number one safety rule on an airplane, you need to ensure your oxygen mask is on, before attempting to assist others.  In my culture, parents are always showing off their children's achievements, that's what makes them feel like they have done well as abazali.  My father always reminds me that no matter where I am or what I'm doing, I am a representation of him at all times. Our parents work hard to avail us with the opportunities we've had, to throw that back at them by doing something we know for sure could harm us and therefore harm them, is plain selfish.


I keep thinking about the chats we used to have with Babsie, about the successes we wanted to make of life and how important it was to make our parents proud. I'll probably never get to remind her of that. Her mother will probably never get to tell her that she loves her and wants only the best for her. My friends life will never be hers again simply because for a split while, she traded the value of her 23  years of life for R36 000.

R.E.S.P.E.C.T

The funny thing about life.

There's an adage that goes, plant expectation and reap disappointment. This seams to be the tagline of 20th century relationships.  Whether it's a romantic relationship, friendship, professional or otherwise, everyone is responsible for themselves and that's just how it goes. I remember a time (whether imaginary or real) when people cared about the wellbeing of others.  And not caring for personal gain, but caring because the genesis of human nature was that of kinship and looking out for the next person. Fast forward to the day of socializing digitally and you are living in a world where its literally every man/women for him/herself. I find it heart wrenching that no one cares how their actions affect others and as a result, most of us walk around with a false 'me myself and I' bravado that pretends not to give a hoot what others do.  Relationships are no longer based on the healthy pursuit of bringing out the best in another and knowing that you can rely on someone.  These days the one you call your bff and air kiss at Friday night gatherings, is too busy when things are not looking up in your world, suddenly no one is genuinely interested in how you are really doing, they're more interested in the wittyful conversation they can have from you and turn into fb status updates.


We all want human connections, we all want to be treated with love and respect and to not be taken for granted by those we love, yet no one is willing to make the first move to ensure this happens. I have a philosophy that you should always strive to treat people the way you want to be treated, executing that philosophy has become easier said than done.  To some point one can't help but feel tempted to be ungrateful and take others for granted and not care for anyone else.  But every time I want to do that, I am tripped by the guilt of imagining how I would feel if that was done to me. 


Maybe I shouldn't care, but I do, I can't help it. One of my favorite songs by the legendary king of pop - Michael Jackson - says "I'm looking at the man in the mirror, I'm asking him to change his ways, if u wana make the world a better place, take a look at yourself and make the change." this song reminds me that treating people with kindness and respect may not always garner the same respect, but I just can't imagine myself being treated in anyway other than with kindness and respect.


N

What's Love Got To Do With It

After another one of our bitter “lets agree to disagree” mishaps with my manfriend, I lay on his bed soaking his pillow with tears of frustration and defeat – our fights always leave me with the resentment and daunting responsibility of having to wash my face and blow my nose because of an uncontrollable drool of tears and mucus…   While lying on the bed I replayed the events that had occurred to lead me to this pathetic state over and over in my mind, even conjuring up stinging responses I would have given him had he not just stood there and looked at me while I begged for clarification on his behavior. As the events flashed in my mind, the tears flowed and I continued to hurt myself by answering the questions he had failed to answer on his behalf.  The only conclusion I could make was that his behavior was a reflection of how he in fact did not care for me and his inability to counter my argument by reassuring me that this was not the case, was confirmation of this.   I wallowed for close to 30 minutes, drifting between anger and a fantasy that he would walk into the bedroom, beg for me to forgive his careless behavior and kiss me passionately, drool and all!  Needless to say, this did not happen, in fact, after I stormed off into the bedroom, hoping he would take my whirlwind of rage seriously enough to follow me, I heard him connect is Playstation3, grab a beer from the fridge and proceed to indulge in a round of Modern Warfare II.  While eavesdropping on his bonding session with his beloved toy my mind seemed to calm and the shower of tears slowly dried out.  I started asking myself other questions like, why am I lying here torturing myself like this while the person I am torn over is enjoying an ice cold beer and fulfilling a virtual hero fantasy?  Imagining how dysfunctional I must look, I quickly snuck into the bathroom and proceeded with the routine of cleaning up the tears he had spilled on my face. 

I felt drained and embarrassed on my behalf.  Not embarrassed about the feelings I was feeling, because the frustration and hurt was all genuine, but embarrassed that I had gotten so carried away in indulging the hurt and had given the pain so much airtime in my life.  This leads me to the question, do we as women (and some men) spend too much unnecessary emotion on the concept of Love?  Do we love others so much that we un-love ourselves into oblivion?  Now don’t get me wrong, the purpose of this is not to bash the idea of love, I think it’s a grand idea to trust another with your heart and be a haven for theirs.  However, I want to raise the possibility that maybe we overdose on the emotion so much that it becomes toxic for us.  Ours is a generation of love struck zombies, hearts constantly panting and eyes wagging for any sign of potential love.   It is no longer healthy and it begins to terrorise other elements of our being that make us whole.  And who can blame us, growing up in the age of endless romantic comedies and constant renditions of songs about summer loving and hopeless devotion to another person.  Our social environment has conditioned us into the idea that life is not fulfilled until you are floating on a cloud with the one you call love or whispering “ever thine, ever mine, ever ours” to your sweet.  Is this healthy though?  Is there no other element to life that one can be passionate about besides love?   Should we not channel our emotions towards something that fulfills us without first draining the soul?  Not to say that you should neglect someone you care about, but should you spend so much time antagonising over the fate of their time in your life?

With this, I have made a decision to change the way I view my relationships.  I choose to not let the decisions others make affect my feelings about myself.  I will only spend the suitable amount of time feeling miserable over another’s treatment of me and not glorify the misery.  This will take a lot of determination on my part, but its something im willing to explore passionately.  Instead of lying in a pool of bitterness and frustration, I will focus my passion on other aspects of my life and find other ways to fulfill my spirit besides love.  I will tap into my love for reading, writing, running and find other passions to explore.  Anything to avoid miserating over the sadness that attempts to take centre stage in my life.  I am about joy and joy is about me. :)

N