What's Love Got To Do With It

After another one of our bitter “lets agree to disagree” mishaps with my manfriend, I lay on his bed soaking his pillow with tears of frustration and defeat – our fights always leave me with the resentment and daunting responsibility of having to wash my face and blow my nose because of an uncontrollable drool of tears and mucus…   While lying on the bed I replayed the events that had occurred to lead me to this pathetic state over and over in my mind, even conjuring up stinging responses I would have given him had he not just stood there and looked at me while I begged for clarification on his behavior. As the events flashed in my mind, the tears flowed and I continued to hurt myself by answering the questions he had failed to answer on his behalf.  The only conclusion I could make was that his behavior was a reflection of how he in fact did not care for me and his inability to counter my argument by reassuring me that this was not the case, was confirmation of this.   I wallowed for close to 30 minutes, drifting between anger and a fantasy that he would walk into the bedroom, beg for me to forgive his careless behavior and kiss me passionately, drool and all!  Needless to say, this did not happen, in fact, after I stormed off into the bedroom, hoping he would take my whirlwind of rage seriously enough to follow me, I heard him connect is Playstation3, grab a beer from the fridge and proceed to indulge in a round of Modern Warfare II.  While eavesdropping on his bonding session with his beloved toy my mind seemed to calm and the shower of tears slowly dried out.  I started asking myself other questions like, why am I lying here torturing myself like this while the person I am torn over is enjoying an ice cold beer and fulfilling a virtual hero fantasy?  Imagining how dysfunctional I must look, I quickly snuck into the bathroom and proceeded with the routine of cleaning up the tears he had spilled on my face. 

I felt drained and embarrassed on my behalf.  Not embarrassed about the feelings I was feeling, because the frustration and hurt was all genuine, but embarrassed that I had gotten so carried away in indulging the hurt and had given the pain so much airtime in my life.  This leads me to the question, do we as women (and some men) spend too much unnecessary emotion on the concept of Love?  Do we love others so much that we un-love ourselves into oblivion?  Now don’t get me wrong, the purpose of this is not to bash the idea of love, I think it’s a grand idea to trust another with your heart and be a haven for theirs.  However, I want to raise the possibility that maybe we overdose on the emotion so much that it becomes toxic for us.  Ours is a generation of love struck zombies, hearts constantly panting and eyes wagging for any sign of potential love.   It is no longer healthy and it begins to terrorise other elements of our being that make us whole.  And who can blame us, growing up in the age of endless romantic comedies and constant renditions of songs about summer loving and hopeless devotion to another person.  Our social environment has conditioned us into the idea that life is not fulfilled until you are floating on a cloud with the one you call love or whispering “ever thine, ever mine, ever ours” to your sweet.  Is this healthy though?  Is there no other element to life that one can be passionate about besides love?   Should we not channel our emotions towards something that fulfills us without first draining the soul?  Not to say that you should neglect someone you care about, but should you spend so much time antagonising over the fate of their time in your life?

With this, I have made a decision to change the way I view my relationships.  I choose to not let the decisions others make affect my feelings about myself.  I will only spend the suitable amount of time feeling miserable over another’s treatment of me and not glorify the misery.  This will take a lot of determination on my part, but its something im willing to explore passionately.  Instead of lying in a pool of bitterness and frustration, I will focus my passion on other aspects of my life and find other ways to fulfill my spirit besides love.  I will tap into my love for reading, writing, running and find other passions to explore.  Anything to avoid miserating over the sadness that attempts to take centre stage in my life.  I am about joy and joy is about me. :)

N