We should all be Feminists

This is a conversation that everyone should be part of.   Chimamanda

AFTER A WHILE...

Journey for One

Most of the time the people in our lives are there to say “we’re ok” or to bring forward to us the things we don’t yet know or won’t accept about ourselves.  This relationship ultimately creates dependence on that other person to confirm or deny something about you.  For too long I’ve had an insatiable need for my friends or family or significant other to verify my existence and my decisions and my feelings.  I’ve insisted on drawing a conclusion only once someone I trusted had given their stamp of approval, not realising that this was slowly diminishing my voice and giving people who didn’t ask for it, power to make conclusions for me.  Because they didn’t ask for this authority, when they unknowingly didn’t make a decision for me, I was left bare and without direction.   A deer in headlights, I had no clue what was next and I got angry and bitter at the person who I had anonymously given the power to authorise my self worth.  I don’t remember ever making a decision without getting someone to confirm if it was ok.  Whether it was a friend confirming that my outfit was good enough, a boyfriend saying yes I should apply for that position or a colleague saying my report was ok to send to the client, I’ve always seemed to have someone to verify some or other decision in my life.  If the usual confidant wasn’t around to assure me in time or didn’t give me a satisfactory response, I’d find a temporary replacement and this increased the number of people I clutched to.  The more people I had to call on, the more I felt like my existence meant something.  I was reassured that there were people who needed me to be around so that they could impart their knowledge and life lessons on my life.  I became a canvas for people to illustrate their thoughts and opinions.  My space became filled with them, with their plans, their ideas, their feelings, how they would’ve gone about it, not realising that with each “what would so and so do” fix, I was losing space for “what would Nwabisa” do.

 My spirit became vandalised with the outside world and one day I took a step back and realised that my world was marred by the need for others to contribute to it, there was no more room for me and my thoughts and my decisions.  Even when I did try to make space, I realised that I had never taken the time to figure out how to structure my world and how to structure my place in my world without fear of being too self important and without fear of shrinking myself so that I don’t offend anyone.

I decided that before I make any decisions, I need to scrub my canvas clean.  I need to start afresh and evaluate the space that I have to work with before I even put down any plans.

I’ve chosen to embark on a personal journey of self discovery.  There’s a certain freedom that comes with taking the time to get to know oneself, with taking the time to study your nature from a raw and honest perspective, but also doing it without the distraction of external contribution.    This freedom, like all, comes with its backlash.  After all, how do you go about taking back the power that you never officially gave?  How do you go about your business and make decisions that will ultimately change your social landscape without falling into the very trap of what you’re trying to escape?, which is explaining and verifying what you’re doing.  It’s a lonely journey, because once the decision has been made, only I can confirm it and only I can accept and take responsibility for it.  Who’s to say that this expedition is the right method?  That’s the best part... knowing that no one can either confirm or deny my place in this world but me.  It’s good to have finally put my finger on what it was that I wasn’t sure of all this time, and knowing that for the first time ever, I didn’t ask anyone what they think or ask for their permission to go on this process.  I managed to identify the void in my life all on my own... I realised that what’s been missing in my life all along is ME and I'm ready for the journey to find what lays ahead.

Shackled in mediocrity

When you watch people around you doing great things with their lives it’s only natural to start resenting your patch of grass.  Not out of envy for the successes and direction of those around you, but out of disappointment in yourself for seeming to float in a constant state of mediocrity.   You wonder what it is that you don’t seem to understand, which memo you missed, and what you are supposed to be doing that you aren’t.

Life is a never ending challenge of bettering yourself and your circumstance.  When you’re a citizen of “the rat race to the top” society, you need to continuously scuffle your way through the never ending maze of ‘who are you?’, ‘where are you going?’, ‘what are you going to do after you get there?’, ‘how are you going to get there?’, ‘is that the best you can do?’, ‘is that where you’re supposed to be going?’... are you sure?.  Just the ‘planning’ process alone leaves you with a nauseating feeling of impending doom doesn’t it?

I’m 25 years old, which may be young according to a 45 year old, but according to the level of life achievements by which I rate myself, I’m running out of time.  In the race of personal success, i seem to be standing on the sidelines and not even sure which lane to take.  That’s the most disheartening part, that 25years later, i still haven’t put my finger on the elusive “calling” which everyone seems destined for.  Could it be that I’ll be the one who didn’t make it?  Will i be the one calling her friends and congratulating them on their successes only to be met with an awkward “i don’t know what to say about your greatness – or lack thereof” grin. 

I do ask myself all the questions in the maze, everyday.  Sometimes i even try not to think about it in hopes that if I ignore it, my destiny will miraculously come crashing down and land on my lap insisting that I do something about it.  It’s frightening to be paralyzed by your insecurities, knowing that you don’t quite measure up in your own eyes, but not even knowing what it is you need to measure up to.    

They say that when you are not quite comfortable with where you are in life and you know you can do better, its a good place to be, because its a sign that something better is to come.  I’m worried that if this is the case, i may just not be prepared when it arrives...

On Beyonce telling Bitches to Bow Down...

Anyone that knows me knows I’m a huge fan of King B.  Heck I’ve even confessed to “bowing down” to her awesomeness on a few occasions.  I love the woman.    I wasn’t always a Beyonce stan, she grew on me over the years and it isn’t necessarily her music that made me fall hopelessly in love with her, but it was more what she represented for woman.  That she can effortlessly garner global attention and still be kind and generous and fun and playful was the winning card for my romance with B.  I used to watch my friends go on about her and I sang along to her songs, but I wasn’t really that into her until she started being the Beyonce who empowered woman, the Beyonce who didn’t have to explain herself to anyone, the Beyonce who wasn’t scandal ridden, carried herself with grace but could still get the party started and shut it down!   I started paying more detailed attention to her; she inspired me beyond her music.  I fell hard in the last few months – critics were trying to bring her down with the star-spangled banner ‘scandal’ and still she rised, other haters went on about her pregnancy not being legitimate and still she rised.  With all this, what I loved best was how she stood firmly and gracefully, there was no bringing B down in my eyes and all who tried really looked ridiculous and petty... I was hopelessly, ridiculously devoted to B, not a day went by that I didn’t check in on her tumblr and raid the internet just to see what she was up to! I went through a serious ‘honeymoon phase’ with my King. 

Alas, like all hot romances, I unexpectedly came tumbling down from my state of ‘Bphoria’ when I heard her latest “Bow down bitches” offering - Click to Listen .  I got a feeling I couldn’t quite explain when I heard the song for the first time... I was disappointed, confused and annoyed.  Firstly the beat is noisy and really irritating, most importantly the lyrics are just plain tacky.  My heart was bruised for a while after hearing that song... I’m still not sure what exactly the idea is from a creative “she’s an artist expressing herself” perspective... and hearing that song made me less interested in hearing her next album, that I was so excited about.  I’m still a huge fan and will probably eventually forget this and move on, but I will never understand what compelled her to write and release such a song... for the first time in a long time I feel like an explanation of this song would come in handy, even from the King herself.

She got lost in the moment of her awesomeness and lost the plot a bit with this one; I actually cringed on her behalf after hearing this song... she really didn’t have to. 

Life... IT GOES ON

I am learning that this is undoubtedly the most important lesson that one must keep with them to survive this world.  Life is a rollercoaster.  Sometimes the ride is so exciting and the adrenaline rush of feeling good keeps you wanting to go out there and conquer all the fears, trials and tribulations you carry with you... then the ride changes, it goes too fast leaving you feeling sick and exhausted or it goes too slow, leaving you feeling anxious and left behind.  No matter what your attitude is to your life, the only thing that is certain is that it keeps going, it doesn't stop to give you a 'time out' or some breathing room.  You've got to go on with it, even at its darkest you've got to go with it, its the only way to survive.  Keep Going!