Most of the time the people in our lives are there to say “we’re ok” or to bring forward to us the things we don’t yet know or won’t accept about ourselves. This relationship ultimately creates dependence on that other person to confirm or deny something about you. For too long I’ve had an insatiable need for my friends or family or significant other to verify my existence and my decisions and my feelings. I’ve insisted on drawing a conclusion only once someone I trusted had given their stamp of approval, not realising that this was slowly diminishing my voice and giving people who didn’t ask for it, power to make conclusions for me. Because they didn’t ask for this authority, when they unknowingly didn’t make a decision for me, I was left bare and without direction. A deer in headlights, I had no clue what was next and I got angry and bitter at the person who I had anonymously given the power to authorise my self worth. I don’t remember ever making a decision without getting someone to confirm if it was ok. Whether it was a friend confirming that my outfit was good enough, a boyfriend saying yes I should apply for that position or a colleague saying my report was ok to send to the client, I’ve always seemed to have someone to verify some or other decision in my life. If the usual confidant wasn’t around to assure me in time or didn’t give me a satisfactory response, I’d find a temporary replacement and this increased the number of people I clutched to. The more people I had to call on, the more I felt like my existence meant something. I was reassured that there were people who needed me to be around so that they could impart their knowledge and life lessons on my life. I became a canvas for people to illustrate their thoughts and opinions. My space became filled with them, with their plans, their ideas, their feelings, how they would’ve gone about it, not realising that with each “what would so and so do” fix, I was losing space for “what would Nwabisa” do.
My spirit became vandalised with the outside world and one day I took a step back and realised that my world was marred by the need for others to contribute to it, there was no more room for me and my thoughts and my decisions. Even when I did try to make space, I realised that I had never taken the time to figure out how to structure my world and how to structure my place in my world without fear of being too self important and without fear of shrinking myself so that I don’t offend anyone.
I decided that before I make any decisions, I need to scrub my canvas clean. I need to start afresh and evaluate the space that I have to work with before I even put down any plans.
I’ve chosen to embark on a personal journey of self discovery. There’s a certain freedom that comes with taking the time to get to know oneself, with taking the time to study your nature from a raw and honest perspective, but also doing it without the distraction of external contribution. This freedom, like all, comes with its backlash. After all, how do you go about taking back the power that you never officially gave? How do you go about your business and make decisions that will ultimately change your social landscape without falling into the very trap of what you’re trying to escape?, which is explaining and verifying what you’re doing. It’s a lonely journey, because once the decision has been made, only I can confirm it and only I can accept and take responsibility for it. Who’s to say that this expedition is the right method? That’s the best part... knowing that no one can either confirm or deny my place in this world but me. It’s good to have finally put my finger on what it was that I wasn’t sure of all this time, and knowing that for the first time ever, I didn’t ask anyone what they think or ask for their permission to go on this process. I managed to identify the void in my life all on my own... I realised that what’s been missing in my life all along is ME and I'm ready for the journey to find what lays ahead.
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