Shackled in mediocrity

When you watch people around you doing great things with their lives it’s only natural to start resenting your patch of grass.  Not out of envy for the successes and direction of those around you, but out of disappointment in yourself for seeming to float in a constant state of mediocrity.   You wonder what it is that you don’t seem to understand, which memo you missed, and what you are supposed to be doing that you aren’t.

Life is a never ending challenge of bettering yourself and your circumstance.  When you’re a citizen of “the rat race to the top” society, you need to continuously scuffle your way through the never ending maze of ‘who are you?’, ‘where are you going?’, ‘what are you going to do after you get there?’, ‘how are you going to get there?’, ‘is that the best you can do?’, ‘is that where you’re supposed to be going?’... are you sure?.  Just the ‘planning’ process alone leaves you with a nauseating feeling of impending doom doesn’t it?

I’m 25 years old, which may be young according to a 45 year old, but according to the level of life achievements by which I rate myself, I’m running out of time.  In the race of personal success, i seem to be standing on the sidelines and not even sure which lane to take.  That’s the most disheartening part, that 25years later, i still haven’t put my finger on the elusive “calling” which everyone seems destined for.  Could it be that I’ll be the one who didn’t make it?  Will i be the one calling her friends and congratulating them on their successes only to be met with an awkward “i don’t know what to say about your greatness – or lack thereof” grin. 

I do ask myself all the questions in the maze, everyday.  Sometimes i even try not to think about it in hopes that if I ignore it, my destiny will miraculously come crashing down and land on my lap insisting that I do something about it.  It’s frightening to be paralyzed by your insecurities, knowing that you don’t quite measure up in your own eyes, but not even knowing what it is you need to measure up to.    

They say that when you are not quite comfortable with where you are in life and you know you can do better, its a good place to be, because its a sign that something better is to come.  I’m worried that if this is the case, i may just not be prepared when it arrives...